Her head hurt like fire, and her ears rang. The screaming was so loud, screaming for blood, for her to run, and she couldn't -- There was another voice. It shoved its way into her head, elbowing past Cathryn to take control of her attention, and she focused in on it, focusing on the movement and the pitch. It was a lifeline, and she took hold.
Eventually, Nerina was able to concentrate enough to understand what was being said, too.
—
"... and I didn't understand. Um... Being with uh... Being with Josh has helped me understand what I didn't before. Sometimes people are different when you get to know them and sometimes they change over time and even if you don't like it you can't change it."—
She listened to the familiar voice, to her sister's voice, and slowly, her breathing returned to a normal speed. She took a deep breath, feeling the tension in her chest melt out, and smelled the soup. As Maude turned to explaining how she wished everything had stayed the same, Nerina crept forward, approaching the barn door as quietly as she could. According to what she could see, the soup was pretty close to the opening. She waited until Maude looked away, then like a snake striking, snatched the soup, slopping a little over the side as she swiftly brought it up to her mouth and shoveled it down her throat. She wasn't hungry -- panic does tend to take one's appetite -- but she knew from experience that she had to eat. (And if she was being honest with herself, the soup did taste better than whatever she would usually find.)
Her stomach full and pleasantly warm, Nerina tuned back into Maude's speech. It was slower now, more halting.
This is more true. What does she really think? And no, Cathryn, I do
care. Shut up. —
" It's... different... but it's not bad and I can't expect you to be the same as how you were, like I remember you. You can change too, but that doesn't mean you're worse the way you are and it doesn't mean I don't... I still love you and if you're different then that's ok and I want to know who you are now.... not that you have to, I mean."—
The tears started up again. Oh, how she'd longed to hear that from someone, from
anyone she'd known. Even the sister she'd hated so, even that would suffice. She scraped her nose against the edge of her cloak, wiping away the goop. She leaned against the door, making it creak slightly, letting Maude know just a little bit that she was there and listening.
Maybe we're not so different. Maybe we could... learn. The woman let the silence hang a bit after Maude finished speaking. It wasn't meant to scare the other woman, just give them both time to think. Eventually, Nerina opened her mouth.
"Your pumpkin soup is better than hers."She let that stand unexplained. It was a strange way to say "I love you, too," but she thought Maude would understand. The pause felt like the calm before a storm.
"... I left home a while ago. I... was afraid I'd hurt him, I mean, uh, Nero, or I'd keep him awake with my night terrors..." Welp. Looks like it wasn't just the elder Lif who'd moved in with her boyfriend, now.
"You... wouldn't miss me if you knew what I've become." That was quiet, and that was broken. That was full of shattered glass and tears. She shifted against the door.
"I am worse. I hurt people that I love. I... I don't... control myself. I don't know if I can." She'd thought it, but she'd never said it. Finally, it was out. Cathryn was quiet as Nerina whispered,
"There are things, Maude. Things from my past, and they won't stop following me. They're at my heels every day and every night like shadows on my soul, and I can feel them burning. I'm not a little different. Something in me... Maude, something in me is broken, and I can't..." She took a gulp of air and continued on a little louder.
"I can't stay here. I can't be in a place where there are people. That broken thing, it tells me that I... I have to hurt. I don't want to, but I have to. Don't you see?" Her tone was pleading. Her tone cried out for help.
"I'm not just a different person. I'm not even a person any more. I live in the woods and sometimes I kill things, a lot of things, except I don't remember it happening or how long I've been doing it. Maude, I'm not right, and I need to... stay away from you. I can't trust myself to not hurt you, because even though we never got along, even though I left, I should stop talking now, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she sobbed.
Please, Hylia, I'm so scared. "I'm so scared. Maude, I'm so sorry, I should never have left, and none of this would ever have happened, I never would have gone to that village, the fire, the... the jail, the jail, Maude, I would -- I wish -- I want --" Gasping sobs wracked her thin frame.
"I-I-I-..." She scrambled out from behind the door on her hands and knees and knelt, forehead pressed to the ground, in front of Maude.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I want to be your sister but I can't. I'm so scared of what would happen, Maude, I could kill you and I wouldn't even remember." She sat up, fear and fire flashing in her eyes as she looked not quite
at Maude, but not quite through her, either.
"But I remember everything else. I have seen the worst things, things that can no longer be called human, fighting for a single scrap in the dirt, and I fought with them. I killed people mercilessly for a half-cup of slop, I slit throats over stale bread while they cheered me on." She was terrified of herself.
"I am not a person. I'm hardly an animal. I don't know what I am but I don't want to be me any more but I don't want to stop being me and I don't want to take my own life because I'm still afraid of pain I am so, so scared. Maude I'm scared. Maude, please," she finally wailed.
"I'm so scared. And I can't... fix it."
