| Josh was no Knight. That was a rank he was to earn... But right now, he hardly even felt like a Soldier, despite that being his rank, much less a knight... Becoming a Knight was one of his goals, but despite the victory, he felt that goal seem far more away then before. To him, this was a failure. This shouldn't have happened. Those two other soldiers who had gone with him should be alive right now, drinking and merry, and going home to their families after a hard day's work.
Yet, only he got to. They got to have their families bury them.
The King's confidence meant the world to the Hyrulian Soldier... But Josh felt as though he didn't deserve it. He hadn't been in this army for long... And one of his first missions, he in his eyes failed. His eyes spoke of distaste toward himself as he would be helped to his feet. He didn't make a fuss as the other soldiers would tend to his wounds. He didn't even move, he just let them work... He didn't even seem to acknowledge their presence anymore. He just stared at the bodies of his fallen comrades, in the time between then and the time that their bodies would be carted off, to have a proper burial later...
And when the bodies were gone... He just stared at the ground. He began to whisper to himself. Would the soldiers around him be able to pick up on it? Perhaps, if they listened well enough. There was a chance, even, that it'd make it's way back to the King at some point. Right now? He just didn't care.
"Why do I get to go home, have a hot supper and get to be happy in the embrace of my family, and my loved ones... While these men don't? While they have to be buried? What reason do I deserve to be happy, and yet they do not?
Why did they die, and I did not? Why am I here, and they are not?
What have I done to deserve to live in their place?"
Deep down, he knew that this was what they signed up for. They would fight... And death was a part of it. Any of them could die at anytime in the field of battle.
But this was a first for Josh.
He'd served in a guard battalion for years, in a much smaller, far less dangerous environment then this... Sure, there had been much danger, but these monsters were far stronger then that of the old land... And he had served as Guard Captain. Never did a man die under his watch. Or when he fought as mere infantry, did he see his comrade struck down around him...
He was lucky, fortunate before...
Not anymore.
"This is why Maude didn't want me to go..."
He took a breath, more and more aware of the strain he'd put on his beloved. Goddesses, he hated himself for that too. Right now, he was just being really, really hateful. So hateful he stared over where the monsters he had slain had disappeared back into the darkness... And he just glared. Scowled. He hated them. He hated them, for hurting so many people and for killing the men he had been assigned with. Men who probably had families of their own. And hated himself for letting them die. While he lived.
Still, once his grief faded... As did his hate for himself, he knew that he'd likely be taking this life of his far more gratefully... And the life that he had with @maude in turn.
Because it could easily be taken away. Just like these two had lost theirs... Their families without a son, a brother, a husband, a father, perhaps...
How easily could Maude have been rendered without him? Was this what she was thinking about all the time when he left?
Goddesses... He knew he'd worried her. He'd conveyed this to her after his trip to Death Mountain. He apologized over and over, and told her the truth of why he did this. But... Did it really make it any better? To worry her like this?
And yet he knew he couldn't go back now. Because if he didn't... Well...
He wouldn't be strong enough to protect Maude, and their home, if the time came...
And what if he died in battle here instead before he could do that?
Here and now, he realized that it was possible that... Either way, he was destined to lose this game. He'd been dealt a losing hand... And all he could do was play it the best he could. He could regress back to being just a farmer, and potentially lose his life, and Maude's... Or fight, and improve. Fight for the kingdom that had given him a home, another chance to live his happiness with Maude that he had wanted for so long... And potentially die in battle before he could even have the chance to see his efforts through.
All he could do was fight, he knew, and hope... That neither would come to pass. That he would get stronger, get better, more experienced...
And one day be strong enough that nobody could threaten their way of life ever again. That no man nor beast could strike him down.
And if at the same time, he kept their land safe? So be it. It was the least he could do... And he would never forgive himself if he couldn't keep the inhabitants of this land safe... Moreso, if they died in an instance where he could have saved them.
The festival had changed him so much, made him realize so many things...
And yet he was still realizing. Still learning.
It was true then...
At 26 years of age...
He still had much more to learn as a warrior...
As a man...
As a Hylian.
And by the goddesses, he'd learn as much as he could if it helped him keep the happy life he'd worked so hard to have with his Maude.
OOC:
Tags: Leon El Hyrule @brayden |
